Who am I?

It seems like an easy question. I'm so and so, I
like to do this and that, and I don't like such and forth.
But before you get to locked into this answer,
really really look at it. Is this who you are, or is this
what you are? It's what you are isn't it?
So now ask yourself again. WHO are you?
I'm taking some weird classes this semester.
Classes such as “Interpersonal Communication” and
“Leadership/Self-Awareness” and so I am supposed to
be learning all sorts of things about myself. Picture a
United Church event (maybe youth rally, youth forum,
or Kairos) only you get graded on it. So if you learn
nothing about yourself you fail the class. So if you don't
learn what the teacher wants you to learn about your-
self, you fail the class. And you’re not looking at your-
self through a spiritual perspective. I'm used to doing
these types of things which where God fits in, with
where Church fits in. But there is no God in these
classes. It’s all very weird. But I digress.
So in my leadership class I was told I had to
learn who I was by the end of the semester, or I would
never be a good leader, and I would not do well in the
class. It came at a weird time, because I had just de-
cided (at a United Church event the week before) that I
was going to stop searching for who I was, that I was
just going to be me. Well, so much for that plan. So now
I am once again on yet another journey to discover my-
self.
So who am I? I'm Kathleen. That's as far as I
manage to get. Maybe being “Kathleen” is what I am but
not who I am, but I have identified myself with that im-
age for so long I am somewhat unable to not be Kath-
leen. And so I am not Kathleen in a “Kathleen is a name”
but I am what being Kathleen embodies for me, Kath-
leen IS who I am. I am what you think of when you
think of me. When someone says “Hey, do you know
Kathleen” or “Hey, have you heard what Kathleen's
been up too?” its all the images that you get in your
head. This is who I am. I am Kathleen.
So then, this probably isn't going to help me
pass my class. So who is Kathleen?
We've established that who am is not an ex-
farm kid, or a dancer, or that girl who does WHY or a
student or any of the other easy labels I like to put on
myself. So instead maybe I am what I believe in. Maybe
who I am is a person who believes in doubt, in life, in
God, in fluke, in miracles, in myself.
But, as it turns out, I am not supposed to associ-
ate myself with my beliefs. It creates close-mindedness.
Questioning our beliefs is so hard because we associate
ourselves with our beliefs, because questioning our
beliefs becomes questioning who we are as a person. If
we refuse too connect our identity with our beliefs,
then we become more “intellectually courageous” and
more open minded.
So I have learned what I am not, and what I
should not be. I am not what I am. I am not what I be-
lieve in. What I have not learned is who I actually am.
Or how to discover who I am. And so I shall continue on
this journey. I will continue to learn who I am not. And
maybe under all the am nots I will find the am.
Because what I think is that I will never know
who I am. What I think is that no one will ever know
exactly who they are. I think this inability to now who
we are makes us better people as it allows us to grow
and change, and not become stuck with who we are. It
allows us to become someone new. So while I will con-
tinue to search for who I am, with some protest I might
add, I will also hope that in finding it (if I find it) that I
won't get stuck in it. I hope that I always have the abil-
ity to change.
And so I will end with a favourite quote of mine.
Don't let getting older make you stupider.
-Kathleen Kerr