When I was in public school I wasn’t exactly the same as I am now. was more of a shy child; I kept to myself, was quiet and somewhat of a loner. I had some friends, yes, but not really any close ones. I never really felt I had anyone. I always felt alone. Often, I was teased about my weight, about how I dressed, about what type of music I listened to. I was called stupid. I was called a freak. I was picked on, laughed at, and ignored. I rode the bus to school each morning dreading reaching the classroom because I knew that I would never be able to lift my head. I would never be able to face those who tormented me.
I began to fall into a serious depression. I fell deeper and deeper into a sad, dark place that I didn’t think I would ever return from. I began to doubt the truth of God. I began to question how there could ever be a higher divine power if I was feeling such pain. How could he let me go through this? Why won’t he stop these people saying these mean things? God, are you there? Can you hear me? Why won’t they stop? Why do they call me a fat ass? Why do they hurt me at lunch time? I don’t understand. I don’t know why they won’t stop. And I started to turn away from my faith. I thought that it all must be a lie. God? What God? If there was a God, why am I like this? Why are they treating me like this? There is NO God!
When this happened, my life took a turn for the worse. I didn’t feel any better without my beliefs. I felt worse. I felt scared. I felt anguish. It never went away and I would cry myself to sleep, night after night. I then feared going to school. It was so horrible for me that I would pretend to be sick so that my mom would allow me to stay home. Then when I reached grade seven my depression came to a point. I began doing rebellious things that would grasp people’s attention so I could feel like someone loved me. I would steal things from my parents so that they would notice me. I would act out in class and purposely fail tests so that the teacher would have to talk to me. I even challenged a popular boy to a fight because he wouldn’t leave me alone. I tried anything just so that I could feel some purpose to the meaningless life I thought I was living. It was pointless and senseless and I could not find any light. I was in a world of darkness.
In this world of darkness I found a knife; a jagged-edged, steak knife that I grabbed from a kitchen drawer at 12 a.m. I walked down my hallway to the very last room, my room, and opened the door. I laid in my bed and cried. I laid there and watched the knife under the red light of my alarm clock. Moments later I took this steak knife and I began to cut myself. I took the very tip and dug into my skin. The cut was only a few centimetres long but it hurt. I lifted the knife and lost control, crying fiercely. How had I reached this point? Where did my life go wrong? Why did this happen to me? I laid there with these and many other questions racing through my mind. And as I cried I fell asleep with the knife in my hand.
Throughout the next two years of my life, I went on being a shadow. I never again attempted to hurt myself but I didn’t feel the same. I felt sorrow that today I can not imagine feeling ever again. I went on mindlessly, going from day to day.
And then I reached grade nine. In February of 2003, my minister Eric Skillings suggested that I attend London Conference Youth Forum. I, still having major doubts in my faith, didn’t want anything to do with this “lame-o” faith event. My mom pressured me that I should attend, so I made it seem that I was greatly anticipating this event. Driving to Pearce Williams (a UCC camp) for the first time I sat impatiently, wishing the whole weekend was just over already. I didn’t want to be here. I wanted to go back home and just sleep.
I stepped outside and went to the opening games. We were playing ‘Odd Man Out.’ One of the very first people I met was Becky Carlyle; a girl full of faith, hope and generally fantastic optimism. I was wondering why she was so happy? I just wanted to hop back in the van and here she was, all bubbly and crazy. But she had an affect on me. I realized there must be something to this event that could be worthwhile if this crazy girl was bouncing off the walls about it. I continued through the evening and kept an open mind.
That night I met Pat Morrison and Alex Connon for the first time. Pat was my home group leader and Alex my planner. These two in combination placed me in awe. That night I let God back into my life. We discussed how we were feeling about the weekend, how we were connecting, and several other topics. They opened my heart. The immediate welcome and openness I felt was overwhelming. I felt so touched and so loved that I rushed at the chance to have God a part of my life again. I felt a hole slowly fill in that home group meeting and I am never going to forget that night.
Throughout the remainder of the weekend I met others who were also catalysts within my faith. People like Geoffrey Brooks, Zan Gonyou, Tori Laird and Marilyn Arthur. These people brought me through that weekend and changed my life. They had helped me out of that dark place. Reaching out their hands, together they pulled me up. Up into a place that I will NEVER ever leave! Youth Forum and its’ people saved my life. After that first year I became a completely new person. I evolved into someone completely different. I became the new-and-improved Jamie Wood. The loving, crazy, spontaneous, completely random, funny, compassionate young man I am before you now.
I just want to thank every single person I have met at the five youth forums I have attended since that original miracle (including General Council Youth Forum). You have all made such a major impact in my life, more than you could ever know. You are the people I love, you are the people I cherish, you are the people that I live for! You are the reason I am alive. You are all so special in your own way and I love you, thank you for being who you are and for being a large part of my life. I shall never forget youth forum, the memories that were made there, and the outstanding people I have connected with over these four blessed years. Thank you God for Youth Forum!
-Jamie Wood
No comments:
Post a Comment